Appreciate the good in the bad

Ever since I started my blog, I’ve written nothing but bad or horrible things about my life. But this time, it’s going to be a bit different. This is going to be one of those positive thinking and grateful posts.

Since the time I graduated, I’ve been through so many hardships including loss of jobs, bad boyfriends and messy family relationships. The list goes on and I’m pretty sure that I’m repeating what I’ve written already.

After waiting patiently for so long, I met the man of my dreams. The one person who was meant to me, my one and only soulmate. Believe me when I say this, I’ve been waiting for him forever, adhering to my positive thinking rules and imagining how I would meet him, but of course it didn’t manifest overnight, it took so many years of being hopeful and bearing through many lonely nights. During that time, something else happened too. I met so many idiots. Plenty of guys whom I had a crush on or liked but not at all worthwhile to be a decent boyfriend. However, in my time of desperateness and self-doubt as to whether I'll ever be married or whatever, I pursued them, understanding fully that they are not worth it. Every time, a person would show their interest, I would always think that they might be the one for me and I wasted a lot of time thinking about them.

There were many nights where I was bowling down with tears in the bathroom or in my room unable to cope with my loneliness or there would be days where I would shed tears over a man I liked but who didn’t like me back or over someone who hurt me. There were days where I wished that I would die because I couldn’t cope with the pain and scarily there were days where I lost faith in my religion.

But this is what I want to tell you guys. All those idiots, those bad boys, taught me a lesson. They made me appreciate the wonderful man I have now. The not-so-worthwhile men taught to me appreciate and respect myself and to understand what’s good for me and to understand what I deserve. If not for the difficult lessons I learnt, I would take this person for granted and I wouldn’t appreciate him or love him like I do now. I know what an amazing, wonderful, caring and an honest person he is. I love him deeply because I’ve associated people who are the opposite of him and I understand the difficulty in finding a similar person as he is out there in the world.

So, the bottom line is that there might be a reason that we are put through difficult struggles. It may sound like preaching and you might wonder how the hell that whatever you are going through can be a good thing. Trust me, I’ve been there. My hardships are not over yet. I know there will be plenty of obstacles to face but I have faith that there might be a higher purpose or a reason as to why I have to go through them. But I have to say that not all obstacles will have a purpose, there were certain things that happened that had no possible explanation whatsoever, so I guess they are just our fate or how we’re supposed to live. Finally, what I wish to say is that, even though you can’t see the silver lining yet, there will be. It’ll take few days, months or many years (like me) for you to really look back and understand why it had to happen to you.

If only I could give it all up

It is the custom for majority of us to work and try to prove ourselves in the corporate world. To  “achieve success” or to be a better man. Saying that, working is the only way to earn a living. But for a few of us, I mean a very very few struggle their assess off trying to do this and I am one of them. I belong to the pathetic category of all time strugglers who cannot find a stable job despite the butt load of qualifications I have. So far I have not come across any person who had faced my struggles but I’m sure there are. If so, I would really like to meet them.

I keep thinking that maybe one day, one fine day, there would be a time that my problems would magically go away but for 3 years, it hasn’t been the case. I keep waiting and hoping for that silver lining, but I don’t see it. Maybe it is yet to come or maybe it will never come. I guess for me, it’ll be the latter.

My parents belong to the middle class. I live with them and I’m still a dependant. We are not rich and we are nether beggars. We get by from an average income. No matter how much I want to stay at home, I know I can’t do it. Even though my parents look after me, I need to manage my expenses. Plus, my parents are under the perception that I’m a strong career focused individual, when I’m bloody not. All I want to do is to avoid all these God damn corporate issues. I know it sounds pathetic for me to ramble on. But I’ve had enough of it. I’m so much happier staying home. It is my comfort zone. I’ve stayed unemployed before and I honestly do not mind it. True enough, there have been times where I was bored out of my mind but I’ve somehow figured out how to keep myself busy.

I wonder, if only we were rich enough, I’ll use it to my advantage and stay home. I also know that being unemployed is not the answer to everything. But why should anyone go through what I go through? Why should anyone have so much issues? Why should anyone put up with crappy bosses and pathetic people? If I had the option of staying home, I would not think twice. In a heartbeat I’ll say goodbye to these assholes and fly away. My head is spinning right now trying to keep my head above the water. Trying so hard not to give up and break down in tears.

I do not have the support of my parents. They are from an entirely different era. I do understand what they say about them spending so much money in educating me. But the harsh truth is I DIDN’T ASK FOR IT!!!!! I only wanted to be qualified enough to find a decent job, not chase after a bloody career. Of course, I’m grateful for all the sacrifices they did for me. But I only wish that I they understood what I’m going through and sympathize with me. I only wish that they understood that I’m not one of those career focused individuals.

Why can’t I take the easy way out? Like marry some random man and get it over with. But then again, I’m going to be in so much trouble if I’m suffering from a bad marriage as well.

I do not see a solution for my issues anywhere. I need to go through this alone. I need to suffer through this alone. This is what God gave to me and this is what I deserve. I’ve learnt so many lessons in this life and I’m still learning. I just simply wish that if only my lessons could be a little bit more bearable, a little bit less harsh.

I am who I am

I wanted to write this article a long time ago but I did not find enough inspiration to do so. It's the beginning of the 2017 which people make so much of a fuss about. I guess, that also pressurizes others who take life as it goes, to do something bigger, to make it the “best year” of their life.

Out of jokes, 2016 has been the most unpredictable year of my life with so much ups and downs. The beginning of the year was so tough to the extent where I almost gave up living. I was under immense pressure trying to deal with unemployment, family issues and relationships (by this, I mean friendships), but then towards the end of 2016, I started to see the rainbow after the heavy rain. Everything sorted out itself and I ended the year in a high surrounded with much love from my parents and friends.

Well, the issue now I have is, the lack of change. I’ve gotten used to this mundane routine of mine, I’m finding it very difficult to change. But the biggest question is “DO I HAVE TO?”. I know who and what I want to be, even though it is not what others perceive as “life”. True enough, I have a lot of pending dreams that needs to become reality. My friends are getting married, giving birth, getting promoted and finding new horizons and here I am stuck in the middle of nowhere trying to prove to others that I am doing well both professionally and personally. I know I do not want to live life based on others' perception and I'm not the kind of person who follows trends, be it fashion or otherwise. But it makes me think twice about what I'm doing right now, whether it is the right thing or whether I am taking the easy way out.

Ok, so let’s analyze my situation further. I have this job which pays me well compared with others with less work pressure and less crappy people to do deal with. I am happy with it so far, after trying my luck in the typical corporate world, I wanted something easy. But now that all the other issues have sorted itself out, I’m thinking whether this is the best course of action to me. Am I justifying myself by hiding in a shell? Can I do better? Why don’t I want to do better? Why should I change? Do I need to change at all? The biggest concern I have is that, this career, this experience is not valid in my home country. So, unless I somehow pack my bags and go to a foreign country, this effort will not count. So, for that, I need to either get married or try my luck again with another avenue. Believe it or not, I’ve given my best in trying to migrate. Or else, the other most difficult solution is to, bite my tooth and nail and try my luck in looking for another job. This is the most difficult thing I will have to go through given my past experiences. 

I do believe in the saying “whatever is meant to happen, will happen”. But saying that, I will not give away my power of decision to God or whoever is above. I will try to seize an opportunity when something of the sort arises. In the meantime, the best I can do is to make the best out of what's been given to me now. To be happy now. To ignore or let go what others are doing. To be grateful for all the things I have. To mind my own business and to look after myself. To be healthy.