Wednesday, January 11, 2017

If only I could give it all up

It is the custom for majority of us to work and try to prove ourselves in the corporate world. To  “achieve success” or to be a better man. Saying that, working is the only way to earn a living. But for a few of us, I mean a very very few struggle their assess off trying to do this and I am one of them. I belong to the pathetic category of all time strugglers who cannot find a stable job despite the butt load of qualifications I have. So far I have not come across any person who had faced my struggles but I’m sure there are. If so, I would really like to meet them.

I keep thinking that maybe one day, one fine day, there would be a time that my problems would magically go away but for 3 years, it hasn’t been the case. I keep waiting and hoping for that silver lining, but I don’t see it. Maybe it is yet to come or maybe it will never come. I guess for me, it’ll be the latter.

My parents belong to the middle class. I live with them and I’m still a dependant. We are not rich and we are nether beggars. We get by from an average income. No matter how much I want to stay at home, I know I can’t do it. Even though my parents look after me, I need to manage my expenses. Plus, my parents are under the perception that I’m a strong career focused individual, when I’m bloody not. All I want to do is to avoid all these God damn corporate issues. I know it sounds pathetic for me to ramble on. But I’ve had enough of it. I’m so much happier staying home. It is my comfort zone. I’ve stayed unemployed before and I honestly do not mind it. True enough, there have been times where I was bored out of my mind but I’ve somehow figured out how to keep myself busy.

I wonder, if only we were rich enough, I’ll use it to my advantage and stay home. I also know that being unemployed is not the answer to everything. But why should anyone go through what I go through? Why should anyone have so much issues? Why should anyone put up with crappy bosses and pathetic people? If I had the option of staying home, I would not think twice. In a heartbeat I’ll say goodbye to these assholes and fly away. My head is spinning right now trying to keep my head above the water. Trying so hard not to give up and break down in tears.

I do not have the support of my parents. They are from an entirely different era. I do understand what they say about them spending so much money in educating me. But the harsh truth is I DIDN’T ASK FOR IT!!!!! I only wanted to be qualified enough to find a decent job, not chase after a bloody career. Of course, I’m grateful for all the sacrifices they did for me. But I only wish that I they understood what I’m going through and sympathize with me. I only wish that they understood that I’m not one of those career focused individuals.

Why can’t I take the easy way out? Like marry some random man and get it over with. But then again, I’m going to be in so much trouble if I’m suffering from a bad marriage as well.

I do not see a solution for my issues anywhere. I need to go through this alone. I need to suffer through this alone. This is what God gave to me and this is what I deserve. I’ve learnt so many lessons in this life and I’m still learning. I just simply wish that if only my lessons could be a little bit more bearable, a little bit less harsh.