Appreciate the good in the bad

Ever since I started my blog, I’ve written nothing but bad or horrible things about my life. But this time, it’s going to be a bit different. This is going to be one of those positive thinking and grateful posts.

Since the time I graduated, I’ve been through so many hardships including loss of jobs, bad boyfriends and messy family relationships. The list goes on and I’m pretty sure that I’m repeating what I’ve written already.

After waiting patiently for so long, I met the man of my dreams. The one person who was meant to me, my one and only soulmate. Believe me when I say this, I’ve been waiting for him forever, adhering to my positive thinking rules and imagining how I would meet him, but of course it didn’t manifest overnight, it took so many years of being hopeful and bearing through many lonely nights. During that time, something else happened too. I met so many idiots. Plenty of guys whom I had a crush on or liked but not at all worthwhile to be a decent boyfriend. However, in my time of desperateness and self-doubt as to whether I'll ever be married or whatever, I pursued them, understanding fully that they are not worth it. Every time, a person would show their interest, I would always think that they might be the one for me and I wasted a lot of time thinking about them.

There were many nights where I was bowling down with tears in the bathroom or in my room unable to cope with my loneliness or there would be days where I would shed tears over a man I liked but who didn’t like me back or over someone who hurt me. There were days where I wished that I would die because I couldn’t cope with the pain and scarily there were days where I lost faith in my religion.

But this is what I want to tell you guys. All those idiots, those bad boys, taught me a lesson. They made me appreciate the wonderful man I have now. The not-so-worthwhile men taught to me appreciate and respect myself and to understand what’s good for me and to understand what I deserve. If not for the difficult lessons I learnt, I would take this person for granted and I wouldn’t appreciate him or love him like I do now. I know what an amazing, wonderful, caring and an honest person he is. I love him deeply because I’ve associated people who are the opposite of him and I understand the difficulty in finding a similar person as he is out there in the world.

So, the bottom line is that there might be a reason that we are put through difficult struggles. It may sound like preaching and you might wonder how the hell that whatever you are going through can be a good thing. Trust me, I’ve been there. My hardships are not over yet. I know there will be plenty of obstacles to face but I have faith that there might be a higher purpose or a reason as to why I have to go through them. But I have to say that not all obstacles will have a purpose, there were certain things that happened that had no possible explanation whatsoever, so I guess they are just our fate or how we’re supposed to live. Finally, what I wish to say is that, even though you can’t see the silver lining yet, there will be. It’ll take few days, months or many years (like me) for you to really look back and understand why it had to happen to you.

If only I could give it all up

It is the custom for majority of us to work and try to prove ourselves in the corporate world. To  “achieve success” or to be a better man. Saying that, working is the only way to earn a living. But for a few of us, I mean a very very few struggle their assess off trying to do this and I am one of them. I belong to the pathetic category of all time strugglers who cannot find a stable job despite the butt load of qualifications I have. So far I have not come across any person who had faced my struggles but I’m sure there are. If so, I would really like to meet them.

I keep thinking that maybe one day, one fine day, there would be a time that my problems would magically go away but for 3 years, it hasn’t been the case. I keep waiting and hoping for that silver lining, but I don’t see it. Maybe it is yet to come or maybe it will never come. I guess for me, it’ll be the latter.

My parents belong to the middle class. I live with them and I’m still a dependant. We are not rich and we are nether beggars. We get by from an average income. No matter how much I want to stay at home, I know I can’t do it. Even though my parents look after me, I need to manage my expenses. Plus, my parents are under the perception that I’m a strong career focused individual, when I’m bloody not. All I want to do is to avoid all these God damn corporate issues. I know it sounds pathetic for me to ramble on. But I’ve had enough of it. I’m so much happier staying home. It is my comfort zone. I’ve stayed unemployed before and I honestly do not mind it. True enough, there have been times where I was bored out of my mind but I’ve somehow figured out how to keep myself busy.

I wonder, if only we were rich enough, I’ll use it to my advantage and stay home. I also know that being unemployed is not the answer to everything. But why should anyone go through what I go through? Why should anyone have so much issues? Why should anyone put up with crappy bosses and pathetic people? If I had the option of staying home, I would not think twice. In a heartbeat I’ll say goodbye to these assholes and fly away. My head is spinning right now trying to keep my head above the water. Trying so hard not to give up and break down in tears.

I do not have the support of my parents. They are from an entirely different era. I do understand what they say about them spending so much money in educating me. But the harsh truth is I DIDN’T ASK FOR IT!!!!! I only wanted to be qualified enough to find a decent job, not chase after a bloody career. Of course, I’m grateful for all the sacrifices they did for me. But I only wish that I they understood what I’m going through and sympathize with me. I only wish that they understood that I’m not one of those career focused individuals.

Why can’t I take the easy way out? Like marry some random man and get it over with. But then again, I’m going to be in so much trouble if I’m suffering from a bad marriage as well.

I do not see a solution for my issues anywhere. I need to go through this alone. I need to suffer through this alone. This is what God gave to me and this is what I deserve. I’ve learnt so many lessons in this life and I’m still learning. I just simply wish that if only my lessons could be a little bit more bearable, a little bit less harsh.

I am who I am

I wanted to write this article a long time ago but I did not find enough inspiration to do so. It's the beginning of the 2017 which people make so much of a fuss about. I guess, that also pressurizes others who take life as it goes, to do something bigger, to make it the “best year” of their life.

Out of jokes, 2016 has been the most unpredictable year of my life with so much ups and downs. The beginning of the year was so tough to the extent where I almost gave up living. I was under immense pressure trying to deal with unemployment, family issues and relationships (by this, I mean friendships), but then towards the end of 2016, I started to see the rainbow after the heavy rain. Everything sorted out itself and I ended the year in a high surrounded with much love from my parents and friends.

Well, the issue now I have is, the lack of change. I’ve gotten used to this mundane routine of mine, I’m finding it very difficult to change. But the biggest question is “DO I HAVE TO?”. I know who and what I want to be, even though it is not what others perceive as “life”. True enough, I have a lot of pending dreams that needs to become reality. My friends are getting married, giving birth, getting promoted and finding new horizons and here I am stuck in the middle of nowhere trying to prove to others that I am doing well both professionally and personally. I know I do not want to live life based on others' perception and I'm not the kind of person who follows trends, be it fashion or otherwise. But it makes me think twice about what I'm doing right now, whether it is the right thing or whether I am taking the easy way out.

Ok, so let’s analyze my situation further. I have this job which pays me well compared with others with less work pressure and less crappy people to do deal with. I am happy with it so far, after trying my luck in the typical corporate world, I wanted something easy. But now that all the other issues have sorted itself out, I’m thinking whether this is the best course of action to me. Am I justifying myself by hiding in a shell? Can I do better? Why don’t I want to do better? Why should I change? Do I need to change at all? The biggest concern I have is that, this career, this experience is not valid in my home country. So, unless I somehow pack my bags and go to a foreign country, this effort will not count. So, for that, I need to either get married or try my luck again with another avenue. Believe it or not, I’ve given my best in trying to migrate. Or else, the other most difficult solution is to, bite my tooth and nail and try my luck in looking for another job. This is the most difficult thing I will have to go through given my past experiences. 

I do believe in the saying “whatever is meant to happen, will happen”. But saying that, I will not give away my power of decision to God or whoever is above. I will try to seize an opportunity when something of the sort arises. In the meantime, the best I can do is to make the best out of what's been given to me now. To be happy now. To ignore or let go what others are doing. To be grateful for all the things I have. To mind my own business and to look after myself. To be healthy.

Living a life of regret

I usually do not regret the decisions I take because I consider all the factors before I take one. But this one decision, what might have been the make or break of my career and life, will be the biggest regret I will have in life. There is no telling whether that would have been the real case, but right now, with what is happening around me, with the information I have, I utterly regret it. I have never dealt with situations like this before. I have been through a lot including family issues, unemployment, relationships etc, but this is unchartered territory to me. I have never gotten a chance to deal with regret.

Will I ever get through this? Will I ever stop thinking about “what if”? I do not know. Maybe this is the Universe’s way of teaching me a whole new lesson or maybe, just maybe, this is His way of punishing me for taking a wrong decision. I want to come out of this, I want to move past this and think about the future. They say time is the biggest healer, yet so far, time has not been on my side, ever. People say that bigger and better things are yet to happen, but nothing good has ever happened to me in the last 3 years.

I know I got to stay positive throughout the days. That is the only way to attract positive things. But how can I look at the positive when the negative is right in front of my face? How can I look at the positive when I’m pretty certain that the decision I took is a wrong one? Was it wrong one really?

Shall we analyze it and see? Ok..imagine that I got the job after going for that interview. Imagine I’m working there. What guarantee do I have that it’ll be the rosy picture I imagine it to be? What guarantee do I have that I won’t have any issues there? What if I don’t get the job after all? Only time would tell, only God would show me.



I have learnt so many things over the last couple of years. This is one more lesson to learn isn’t it? How to deal with regret. I usually come up with a way of dealing issues, but for this I’m yet to find out the magical formula. Or maybe there are no magical formulas to help with this. Maybe the only way to live through this is to believe that things will be ok down the line. I want it to be. I want to be able to move past this. I do not want to be thinking about the lost opportunity. What can I do? Can anybody help me with this?

Life is hard, We know it

I’m writing this blog as a professionally qualified unemployed person listening to an old album of Evansescence. It feels good to listen to old rock music and I’m feeling good after a long time. It took me four crappy jobs to be really thinking whether I’m capable in working. I doubted myself, my education, my future etc etc. But here I am feeling positive and enjoying my days of unemployment.

My parents lost their faith in me and I think I did too to a certain extent but then again I accepted that maybe this is how it was meant to be. I never ever in my wildest dreams thought that I would be grateful for all the hardships that have come way. I’ve been through shitty breakups, shitty jobs and met shitty people and learnt quite a lot. Throughout all those experiences I’ve become stronger. Every bad thing that happened to me, I’ve learnt, I’ve grown, I’ve become stronger.

There was a time that I was questioning as to why life was so hard on me, why things never work out, why can’t I be living a simple life, why my friends have it easy? But then this amazing thing happened.

The job that I thought to be good enough for me turned out to be a disaster. Within just one month I had trouble. People whom I thought were my friends became my enemies and I was humiliated for things I never did (If by chance a foreigner is reading this, please understand that Sri Lankan private companies do not have proper regulations to protect their employees). The freaky part was I was OK with it. I WAS OK!!!! Without myself knowing I have made peace with how my life was meant to be. I’ve made peace with my circumstances.

I came to a point of desperation where I was full of jealousy towards my friends, my acquaintances because they had it easy or so I thought. I’m sure they’ve their share of shit but my problems and issues were more than theirs and I envied them for that because I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’t want to be struggling. I wanted to be happy and simple like them. But now I look back and I know that I’m so much stronger than any of them. I know that whatever comes my way, I have the strength to face it and I’m proud of myself. I’ve accepted the simple phenomenon “what’s meant to happen, will happen”, good and bad both.

What I got to say is for everyone who’s going through their fair share of shit is, face it, don’t run away, don’t give up, don’t breakdown; it’s going to only make you stronger. You won’t feel that way now. You won’t feel that way in a year. But with time to come you’re going to look back and say thank you even though it sounds stupid. Accept the fact that this is your life; this is how it’s supposed to be.  

Power of positive thinking

When I was bored at work, I was going through some files and unexpectedly I stumbled on a video which was named as “The Secret”. I have heard about this concept before but I never really bothered about doing any more research. So out of curiosity I took the video home and watched it. That was the most memorable and life changing one hour I’ve ever spent.

The video was a bit exaggerated but the underlying concept was so significant, it really opened up my eyes. I was the most pessimistic person anyone could ever come across with. I would imagine my life in terrible circumstances and imagine all the crazy ways my life would become a living hell. So that was my life. While watching “The Secret” I was slowly realizing what a horrible mistake I’ve done and how unfair I treated myself.

It took me a few days to really grasp the concept of positive thinking and gratitude but from the very next day I took baby steps in being an optimist. I found old magazines and made a “mood board” cutting and pasting all the pictures that would mean something to me. I pasted pictures on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. Then I made a journal for myself, to record my day to day lessons and things that I wanted to remember.

I started making objectives for myself and I would spend all my energy on focusing on only those. And this amazing thing happened. Little by little without my knowledge, the things I pasted on my mood board started to come true. They happened in the most unexpected ways and it takes a few days for you to realize that you have actually done them. For example I had a picture of a girl riding a bicycle and during the days of my unemployment I actually learnt to ride a bicycle with my relatives. After a few days while I was looking at my mood board I noticed the picture of the girl and then it dawned on me.

My life is and was a struggle. I had quite a few boyfriends but none of them worked out. I’m well qualified but it took months and months of struggle and pain to find a job. My friends are living their own life with their loved ones so the girls days outs only happens once a month or so. I spent all my energy focusing only on positive things and my objectives. Whenever I was losing faith or starting to doubt my own existence something good would happen that would remind me that I shouldn’t give up.

So to some up this simple yet powerful concept, is to stay positive. Focus only on the good things, make objectives for yourself, surround yourself among people with positive energy and believe it or not they will happen. To quote “The Secret” – “Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming”.  

My Most Influential Book List

There was a bucket challenge that was going viral on Facebook so I thought I would share my 10 most influential books.

Kite Runner – Really opened my eye to show that there are books other than Princess Diaries. Was shocked for the most part of the book coz it was just unbelievable. It’s shocking what guilt does to people.

The Handmaid’s Tale – read this with friend's recommendation. Shocking story about fertile women carrying children for other people and this specifically done with the particular couple’s husband itself!

The Atonement – read the full book recently only. I still cannot imagine why Briony did what she did. Is it out of jealousy or childishness?

The midnight’s children – I read this coz of best friend's constant reminder that it’s a superb book. After reading that, every book I read no matter how great it was, couldn’t come up to this standard.

The God of Small things – both of you wanted me to read this. It’s such a simple story from the outside but has a lot of meaning between the lines.

The Godfather – My first and probably my last underworld story. Don’t think anyone can write about the happenings of the underworld as better as this book.

Life of Pi – got this from the library a few weeks ago. Loved the part where he starts believing in all the religions. Goes to show how narrow minded people are when it comes to things like religion and being different.

Pride and Prejudice – started this coz I wanted to get a taste in classics. Found it to be really interesting and the olden traditions.

Rich dad, Poor dad – Awesomely simple way to understand the difference between making and wasting wealth.

The Pilot’s Wife – the first book I got from myLibrary. Gosh, the cheating and living a double life with two families is just shocking. Read the book within a day or two coz the suspension was too much.

Hopefully I'll be able to add more to this list in the time to come....